Silence your ego long enough so you can listen in communication
- Stephanie Edward
- Jun 16
- 4 min read
Silence your ego long enough so you can hear what the other person is saying. That’s my top advice for effective communication. That's how you listen in communication.
It’s similar to the old adage “Listen to understand, not to respond” but I prefer calling out the role of our ego directly.
When our ego is running the show, none of the other communication best practices can really work.
Yes, I know “ego” doesn’t have the greatest connotation but… we all have one.
It’s part of what makes us human.
Ego doesn’t always mean boastful or blustery. Our ego also comes into play when we are keen to make a good impression or have something we want to share.
We’ve all had our ego show up in our conversations.
We’re human, after all.
The problem is that sometimes our ego can be so loud in conversation that it prevents us from truly listening to what the other person has to say.
In those moments, we’re so focused on what we want to say that we can’t even hear what they are saying.
(That’s bad. Active listening is a key component of effective communication.)
At other times, egos can be so forceful that they don’t allow space for the other person to say anything at all.
(That’s really bad.)
I experienced this recently. I was on a flight back from Kelowna last week. While I love reading and writing on planes, I also like to chat a bit with my seatmates. You never know who you will meet, what stories you will hear, and what you will learn. So, I prevent myself from totally disappearing into my devices and stay open to chatting, if the opportunity presents itself.
On this occasion, I was seated in the dreaded middle seat. The person in the window seat slept through the whole flight. That’s cool. The person in the aisle seat, however, was talkative. Very talkative.
And thus ensued several hours of my being talked at.
On the one hand, it was interesting. This person had had a fascinating career and had recently settled in Uruguay with his wife. This is where they will be spending their retirement. While it feels like that stage of my life is a long way off, I’m always keen to learn about good retirement destinations.
So, I was happy to hear about how he chose where to go, what he likes about the country, etc.
On the other hand, he truly did just talk at me for the entire flight. He never paused to hear what I had to say. Never asked “normal” questions like what I had been doing in Kelowna, what I do for a living, or even what my name is.
Being talked at for over four hours is a lot.
His speech on retirement in Uruguay was no doubt fueled by his passion for his life choices.
Enthusiasm for our conversation topics is a good thing but it shouldn’t override all the other aspects of good communication.
My interest in interacting with him started off being focused on what he was telling me about Uruguay but, by the end, I was more fascinated by this person’s rather one-sided conversation style.
Clearly his communication skills left a bit to be desired but I believe his inability to occasionally silence his ego was the biggest issue.
He had things he wanted to say about his life and his country of residence and he was going to say them. It seemed like he had something to prove.
Silencing our ego in conversation is not meant to be a permanent thing.
I’m not suggesting we all embrace a monastic life of trying to eradicate our “self”.
But, for communication to work, we need to put aside what we are hoping to get from the conversation long enough to listen to and hear what the other person is saying.
Could you imagine the mess if no one ever put aside their egos during conversation? We’d end up with two people not ever truly hearing what the other is saying, focused entirely on pushing their own agenda forward.
Working with people requires communication skills.
Communication is the cornerstone of relationship-building.
Effective communication starts with listening.
We do that by silencing our ego long enough to allow ourselves to hear what the other person is saying.
Warmly,
Stephanie
Explore Clarity Sessions.
Communication has been a hot topic lately with my Clarity Session clients. Clarity Sessions are opportunities for me to work one-to-one with professionals. While I can work with them on things like managing stress, navigating the next steps of their career, and building other professional skills, more often than not, people come to me because they either want to develop certain communication skills or they want help navigating a specific communication-related situation. Interested in learning more? Visit the Clarity Sessions page of my website.
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